Cardiac arrest

I was fairly lucky in my first year not to see a single cardiac arrest. Then, at the beginning of my second year, I did a placement in ICU, and from time to time was given a crash bleep, which meant that I would be called to cardiac/respiratory arrests, major traumas, and patients in extremis accross the hospital (with the rest of the team too, thankfully!). Thinking of the first time this happened, I was loving it - I kept looking at it, waiting, no, wanting for it to go off. I couldn't wait.

The first two days, nothing happened. The third day, that call finally came.

"*beep beep beeep* CARDIAC ARREST WARD 23-A....CARDIAC ARREST WARD 23-A.....CARDIAC ARREST WARD 23-A....."

For a second I didn't quite know what to do. I was in the middle of giving a bed bath with one of the qualified nurses. I look at her, still not knowing what to do, when the charge nurse sticks her head round the curtain.

"Come on then!!!"

We get going. By the time we arrive, the medical registrar is already there, and a few of the cardiology doctors and nurses are just behind us. For a while I stand back and watch, as other members of the team get to work stripping the patient, attaching monitors, inserting cannulas, doing chest compressions.

The cardiology SHO asks me to put in a guedel airway and start bagging. I've never done either before except on a mannequin. This is it, sink or swim time. I head for the crash trolley that's suddenly appeared at the foot of the bed, and grab an airway and the ambubag. I don't notice until I start inserting the airway how much my hands are shaking. I'm not conscious of feeling nervous, and I know exactly what I'm doing, so I don't know what's causing it. I connect up to the oxygen and start bagging.

Things are starting to settle down now. We're all in a routine. The CCU nurse does 30 compressions, then I ventilate twice, then the whole sequence starts over again. After a few minutes, we stop for a rhythm check.

VF.

"Stand clear!"

The ICU sister delivers a shock. All of a sudden, I find myself being thrust towards the side of the patient. Almost automatically, I mount the side of the bed and start compressing the patient's chest. At first I'm not quite sure how hard to press. I try a couple, and not much happens, so I try a little harder, and a little harder....

*Crack*

"You probably want to ease off a little bit" someone says behind me.

We go on like this for a while. I alternate between watching and compressing and running off for supplies. We get to about 25 minutes, and the patient's been in asystole pretty much since straight after that first shock.

"That's it, thanks everyone"

The ICU registrar looks at his watch and notes the time, and scribbles a few other bits in the notes. The CCU nurse fills in a form. The ward staff start detaching the patient from all the machinery and take the trolley away. The crash team all dissapear, one by one. Before long, it's just me and the patient.

I don't know what I felt, to be honest. I wasn't sad, angry, dissapointed, numb... I was just...there. I'd seen dead bodies before, but this was different. Two minutes ago, he'd had loads of people stood around his bed, desperately striving to save his life, a scene of barely controlled chaos. Now it was just me and him, and everything was so silent, so still. I stood there for what seemed like an eternity, but which was probably only about 5 minutes, when suddenly I was awoken from my daydream.

"*beep beep beep* TRAUMA TEAM TO A&E RESUS..... TRAUMA TEAM TO A&E RESUS.... TRAUMA TEAM TO A&E RESUS"

Fuck.